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Alternate Rom-Com Endings if the Heroines had Therapists

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“Everything I think and everything I do is wrong.”

whoa…this communist manifesto is changing my life right now

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Upon reflection in a session with her therapist, Cher recognizes that she is more interested in income redistribution and community organizing than her super cute but sorta bland pseudo-intellectual ex-stepbrother. Becomes a radical Marxist. Remains a virgin who can’t drive.

27 Dresses

After telling her therapist the story of how she met Kevin, Jane comes to the understanding that he may be right about the mindless consumerism of the wedding industry (and he’s definitely right about the markup on wedding cakes), but stealing someone’s planner and stalking them under a fake name is not charming, no matter how amazing his cheekbones are. Files a restraining order.

You’ve Got Mail

During a session unpacking her unresolved grief over the death of her mother, Kathleen realizes that dating the man who torpedoed the business she inherited from her dead mom is bad enough, but come on, the guy lives on a boat and doesn’t even understand the concept of a garnish. She breaks up with Joe via email. Years later, she sees on the news that Fox Books has filed for bankruptcy. She smiles.

Garden State

Sam has a breakthrough in therapy, discovers that she’s a figment of Andrew’s imagination and doesn’t actually exist. Because what real woman could possibly be so unbearably “quirky” and upbeat and yet so invested in this white-bread zombie who admits on a second date that he may have crippled his own mother? Honestly, it seems pretty obvious in hindsight.

Never Been Kissed

After working with her therapist to unpack the layers of internalized trauma and self-hatred that would make someone want to revisit high school, Josie decides to break up with Sam and hold out for someone who has never considered fucking their student, let alone a student they believe to be a minor. Opens a pot bakery called Josie Grossie. The egg-free THC brownies are her most popular menu item.

Pretty Woman

Using the advance on her $3000 payment from Edward, Vivian begins seeing a therapist who helps her realize that taking her to see an opera about a dying sex worker with a slut-shamey rich boyfriend is a pretty manipulative move. Plus that whole thing with snapping her fingers in the jewelry box. What a dick. Starts a dental hygiene co-op for sex workers instead. Slogan is “Think you can neglect your gums? Big mistake. Huge.”

How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days

Andie reaches a crisis point in therapy when she finally understands that writing a column blaming women for their lack of romantic success, then dating a Mad Men-lite douchebro who only wants to date “cool girls”, is textbook internalized misogyny. Reads up on intersectional feminist theory and changes her column to “How to overthrow the cis-heteronormative imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy”. Loses her job at Composure and ends her relationship with Ben. Keeps the love fern. Feels great.

Miss Congeniality

Validated by her therapist’s genuine horror at the gender dynamics at the FBI, Gracie immediately files an HR complaint against Eric and the rest of her unit for digitally forcing their female coworkers into bathing suits, subjecting her to weeks of starvation and sleep-deprivation, ogling the other “scholarship program” contestants, and just generally their appalling lack of respect for women. Some time later, Gracie begins dating Cheryl. Marries her on April 25th. Only needs a light jacket.

13 Going on 30

Same ending. Matty is perfect. Jenna’s therapist agrees.

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